apartment

SO :) got to see 3 of my girlies yesterday! that was pretty awesomesauce~ dressed one of 'em up in my prom dress (looks like a wedding dress) & did her makeup all pretty :) tehee. then took pics of her + the 2 girls as a "bridal party".. haha! love you giiiirls~ took reg pics of them of course. post those up later? hmmm~ 

ate at YOSUKE up in anaheim hills-- so good! the portions are HUUUGE.. so stuffed :X then 2 girls left and it was me n' gdawg~ went to go look through target since we passed by it and i got a tunic/dress, wrist cuff and new ring (lost my newest one! argh). headed back to my house.. got tired.. decided to bug justin do into going to guppie's with us.. were COMPLETELY RANDOM at guppies, hahaha! it was pretty awesome though. 

headed home.. packed.. left for SB. tiiiired.. but very glad to see the boyfriend :) missed him! went to sleep.. woke up around 4:30PM.... LOL. i dunno :| i guess i was just super tired.. 

haven't done much today. just catched up on beautyblogs.. had 150+.. man! hahaha.

oh! got my hard drive and my business cards today.. i totally recommend getting business cards from this place, if you were wanting some!! 1000 cards FREE, you just pay s&h (i paid about $6). promo's still on until the end of this month, so hurry! :) LINK HERE!!

on the hunt for christmas presents (go figure).. but i do have 2 more birthdays to attend to before i even get to that. HMM.. dilemmas ;) hahaa. 

and i don't like nesquick chocolate milk.

OKAY! meaningful post time! 

topic: FRIENDS.

i'm sure you all know (and have) different "levels" of friends. but there are some that i just can't "classify"..

1. people you talk to lots and hang out with lots

2. people you talk to lots, don't really hang out with

3. people you don't really talk to, but hang out with

4. people you used to talk to, want to hang out with, but don't

5. everyone else who falls into different categories at different times.

in reference to #3.. it's strange. at guppyhouse, for instance. i don't really TALK to him much, we don't share life stories, we don't even chat occasionally.. but somehow, whenever i come back home or go to riverside, i call him up. and we hang out and we HUG like good friends hug (not the one-armed half-assed hug), really solid. we talk about random things, there's no awkward silences, lots of laughing and joking. we joke like good friends joke. but we don't talk about serious things. does that make sense? we talk about random things and we inquire about general life ("where's your boyfriend?" "how's school?" "so you're going into psychology?" "how's work?" etc) but it doesn't get deep and serious. 

in short, we have fun together like good friends do, but we don't talk like good friends do. 

it makes me wonder why i can't hang out with/etc my good friends more often. or why i don't make him a closer friend. 

hm, i dunno. i guess that wasn't too in depth, but it was on my mind. 

back to looking for birthday/christmas presents. 

ST PATTY'S DAY

i love you & everything will be okay & i know it might hurt so bad now but we’re strong (we are strong) & we will be okay. & yes things will change but that’s okay. & yes we’ll change but that’s okay. if i could hold you in my arms & whisper beautiful things into your ears i would. i would hold you so tight you’d feel safe. if i could change this all i would. reverse 4 months & change it from the start. i can’t, you can’t, we can’t. so here is my shoulder you can cry all you want. i’ll never let you go. everything will be okay. we are beautiful creatures.

- ORIGINAL POST AT YOUAREREMARKABLE

just something to keep a smile on your faces while you're studying like mad for finals. now, on to taking 4 more pictures.. and getting them all turned in by 10am tomorrow! *sigh* i guess i just never learn :| we finished our other 2 in studio today (6-9PM). 

and the assignment due next wednesday is 6 final images.. and 60 images total. UGH! need to find a model. KATIE? :D :D 

waiting to buy something from ebay.. the person has to set up a custom post. EEK, 1 hr 9 min left until my 10% discount goes away! how lame :( :( wish they would hurry up~

ST PATTY'S FOTD~

gold earrings and gold buckles on me (yes, me) shoes! :)

dropped the exposure so you could see the colors better

normal exposure; colors used: smashbox 24k + UD chains + NYX black

early morning light coming into the bathroom~ 

LIPS: NYX "ceto" + cherry chapstick :)

another one of my fav shirt/dresses :D wore it a few days ago but forgot to post.

shirtdress + one of my spiffy new skinny belts + black cardigan = loooove. 

Love You Schlong Time

i thought this went along nicely with my last post about SO's :) 

and.. btw, i cannot remember the actual words for SO. i figured it out ONCE after pondering over it hard one time.. then.. after that.. it escapes me. so don't ask D: i know it means like your "soul mate" or something.. aaahh! someone help me out, it's bugging the crap out of me!

it's your SIGNIFICANT OTHER!! d'oh!! hahahaha, man. i'm embarrassed. thanks fuz!

Love you schlong time rules:
1. Write down 5-10 ways your relationship ticks and works for you!
2. Include a brief history of how you and your significant other met or a timeline, whichever you prefer
3. Pass this game on to 5 people
**No word limit**

(Warning: This may be lengthy!)

#1
he's very understanding, which enables ME to relax and be more understanding. i'm fairly headstrong, stubborn, etc.. i like to stick to how i do things, have freedom, etc. which is why it's wonderful that he. is. not. jealous. at. all.. mostly because HALF of my good friends (i have 2 "main" groups of friends.. one has 4 girls, the other has 4 guys) are guys. and well, yes there are girls and guys beyond that but when i go out and tell my parents "i'm going to go hang out with THE GIRLS/THE GUYS", they know who i'm talking about. my last ex was very controlling and very jealous--to the point where i lied to him as to who i was with and what i was doing just because i couldn't live my life! 

we're in the same field, which means the same interests. i find (mostly) everything he has to say at least SOME degree of interesting, instead of with my ex's (well, ONE ex, haha) where he LOVED heavy metal and i just couldn't find it in me to be interested in his latest recall of this "awesome mosh pit" experience. also, since our careers are pretty much headed in the same direction, i can pretty much "plan" out the future--which helps me out. he understands what i'm doing and where i'm coming from and what i plan to do--and i for him. it's really great, being able to explain (or complain) about something.. and not having to explain the side story!

there's a lot of similarities (we finish each other's sentences sometimes and OFTEN we say the SAME THING at the SAME TIME.. i gave up saying "jinx"!) but we're both different enough to where it's interesting. we have different personality types, which is great. under carl jung's theories, i'm an INTJ/INFJ and he's an INTP. very similar, no? except J means i'm very methodical, thoughtful (haha!), organized.. and he's not. therefore he's surprised me MANY times and i've gotten better at surprising too (he says he's never been surprised.. HAH. i showed him!). 

we're very comfortable around each other--which is pretty much mandatory, considering we live together. he helps me cook, we clean together, he'll fix the sheets, etc. in other words, he's very considerate of me. there's lots of "please!" and "thank you!" going around--which is good. he shows he appreciates me, and i reciprocate (a problem i had before). i think he gives me at least one compliment a day, and it's not the same one either, and i can tell it's definitely not pre-rehearsed. 

and we're both really goofy--in the same way! we make sounds instead of talking and we're just.. so weird. but we're weird in the same way, so we're weird together, so our combined weirdness is just.. really weird. LOL. though he might be goofier than me--he always can get a smile on my face. even when i'm upset or stressed (or crying), he just does something completely random. and he always keeps me entertained. 

a few other ways why our relationship works so much better than say, previous ones is.. we go out and do things. he'll occasionally be the one to tell ME that we need to go out (and not the other way around, though i do sometimes!) and surprise me with dinner reservations, etc. we'll buy each other presents. he lets me be overly cuddly or affectionate--but isn't really back to me, but when he is, it's super cute :) etc. 

hmm, does that give you enough of an idea? ;) 

#2
oct 2, 2007: met

oct 13, 2007: first date

oct 19, 2007: second date

oct 24, 2007: our "official" date that we decided on.. we had apparently become official sometime around that time but i didn't know!! hahahahaa. 

dec 1, 2007: met my family

feb 28, 2008: met his family (mom+dad and bro)

march 3, 2008: gave me my ring :) promise ring? i dunno what to call it. 

august 24, 2008: gave him HIS ring (bought a silver one for our 6mo and it got deformed.. so scraped up the moolah to get him a white gold one). 

aaaand.. going :)

#3

You are tagged:

anyone who reads this who has an SO :) 

splurging

REMINDER: BLOGGER SALE! 

updated prices, combined the posts.

anyway.. i went off my "no buy".. and bought.....

- DSKjewelry! a necklace in clear AB :) +2pairs of falsies, yay!; $25.00

- a 320gb external harddrive (refurbished) to back up my files; $93.65

- 1,000 business cards (free! just pay s&h at UPRINTING.COM); $6.05

*double sided, full color, matte finish!

here's the design i came up with! well, with LOTS of kat's help :) she's freakin' awesome!!

haha :) yea, not beauty related but definitely worth it! though i AM eyeing some mascaras (mostly maybelline) and other stuff (mostly milano) at CVS.. hmmm.. making myself wait til i go to my checkup visit at the dermo, see if she gives me any more prescrips, which would give me a valid reason to go!

now for a THOUGHTFUL post, just for gdawg :) even though i know you don't really have time to read it 'cause you're studying heartily, i figured i'd post for you anyways! and btw, GOOD LUCK GIRLS ON YOUR FINALS! :) STUDY HARD AND KICK SOME ASS! then get ready for a KICK ASS SPRING BREAK~ yayyuhhhh :D

TOPIC: SOUL MATES

WHAT IS LOVE? 

(baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more) - hahaha! i probably won't get into this because INTUITIVE people just know and SENSATE people need it to be tangibly proved to them.. and.. man, love comes in all shapes, sizes, forms, degrees, etc. i might, at some later date, delve into this topic into what it means to me, my current relationship, etc.. but.. at the moment, i don't feel like it (x hahaa. 

DEFINITION: SOUL MATE

dictionary(dot)com says: 

- a person with whom one has a strong affinity

- one of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity. 

i say: your soul's mate, your other (or better) half, the one who completes you. i refer to "soul mate" in my blog posts as "taisetsuna hito".. basically, "the most precious person". how romantic does that sound? hahha :P 

SOUL MATE FAQ

- can you have more than one soul mate? or is there ONLY ONE match for you? 

well.. i like to say it's definitely more romantic to say that there's only one, just like in shel silverstein's "missing piece" book, there were so many that fit but only one that fit PERFECTLY. on the other hand, it's definitely sad to end a long, loving relationship because then you think, "oh great, what if s/he was THE ONE and i f'd it up" blahblah. 

- but i've definitely loved more than one person in my life! is that bad? 

on top of that, people change, and unless you believe in complete and total DESTINY, there are other outside forces (and inside forces) that cause them to change, and it's very hard for me to believe that two people were made together as one, then separated and left to go find each other.. because IF this was true, if they were MADE as one.. then by the time they found each other (hypothetically), they would have changed from how they were made, correct? if born "tabla rosa", then by the time (ANY later time) in life, their slate would not be so blank. 

and when i really, really think about it, i think "soul mates" was just a romantic term that was made up. but when i don't really think about it and when i FEEL (about it).. i think that it's more along the lines of the "missing piece", except that there's no one PERFECT piece (because of my earlier theory of how people change, etc). you find a piece that fits and you make it work.. or a piece that doesn't fit, but you still try to make it work because you can't accept the fact that the piece doesn't fit anymore, because it's eroded or changed or whatever. it's different now, so it's a different fit, and the fit might not fit you. but sometimes it still fits, and if you find a piece that fits, you should definitely try (though there's a time to say goodbye to misfits!). and if there's a piece that didn't fit originally.. over time, it may change to fit better, and maybe it'll end up being a perfect fit. 

- i can't find my special someone! is that ok? 

you don't always have to go looking for your "missing piece".. sometimes it's nice to look around, watch clouds and butterflies, do your own thing. and if you just so happen to find your piece and it works and it's so great.. but you're not sure if you want to settle down and stick with that piece.. it's ok too. hopefully the piece will understand. if not, just do what's best for you (i'm not saying go and break people's hearts!). if you want to focus on your career, do so. but don't be so strong-headed and stubborn as to be blind to realize that that piece/person really did fit you. 

okay.. hahaha. man, i forgot where else i was supposed to go with this topic! it was mostly about "soul mates and if they are more than just one" :X agh! any more questions? 

about me & photography

UPDATE* my shoot tomorrow in hollywood? it's actually with a makeup school.. so i'll be working with MUA's and models (mostly the models).. but.. still. how fun! :) plus it's paid! wahooo~

ANYWAY..

haha i'm sure no one wants to hear more rambling analytical-ness from me BUT if you for some reason want me to go over a topic, please PLEASE send me an e-mail or leave me a comment :)

plus i have no beauty related thing to post today! hahaha :) well, the boyfriend and i posed for some quasi-engagement pictures! UNFORTUNATELY our roomie (the photographer) hasn't been able to get his computer to work with him so he hasn't seen pictures.. and since HE hasn't seen the pictures, he doesn't want to show US the pictures. boooooo! i did do my makeup though :) and i used the same look from yesterday, except i didn't use purple+black on the top, since it looked like brown so much already.. i just used MAC handwritten. much faster and less baffling (why did it change color?? well, yes i know blending blahblah but i was confused for a bit, etc..)

TODAY'S TOPIC: ABOUT ME & PHOTOGRAPHY 

- how did i get into photography? 

- how did it end up becoming my career choice?

- you have asian parents and aren't in a science or math related major? WHAT? HOW?!

- where do i see my career going?

- what's my favorite type of photography?

- what equipment do i use? 

- a word of advice~

HOW DID I GET INTO PHOTOGRAPHY?

i actually had no idea what i wanted to be while i was in high school. when i was younger? now that's a totally different story :) i had 6 different things i wanted to be.. and aspired to do each thing for ONE day of the week, then have one day for rest and play. among the careers i had in mind were: ballet teacher, gymnast or gymnasium teacher, make up seller (my mother at the time sold for NuSkin cosmetics.. i don't know if she still does or not), etc. 

i'd always enjoyed art. ALWAYS. i drew a lot, sketched, doodled, used pastels, used crayons (rarely, i hated the texture and how imprecise they were!), color pencils, made crafts, made origami, etc. then i got a hold of my mom's camera (of course i don't remember the name or model) and.. it sort of took off from there, though i had no idea that i wanted to BE a professional photographer. my mom always enjoyed my "point of view" and how my pictures turned out. 

i received my very first camera from a friend (my kindergarten best friend, actually). we were going on a field trip during the 5th grade? 6th? i don't remember.. either way, i didn't have one so she gave me one that she had gotten. it was awesome! i was so HAPPY. but it definitely wasn't a career choice in my head.

my first touch with digital? i received one from my parents as a "graduation present" when i moved from 8th grade to high school (our school had a ceremony). i don't remember the name or model but it was cheap--we can't afford much--and it worked well, you know. for digital back in those times at least :) year 2000? STOKED. i took it with me on our family trip to oregon.. and those pictures.. are baaaad. so glad digital has progressed like it has! haha.

my first "professional" camera? was a film camera, during senior year, the N55 (i still have it and actually recently used it). i bought it from katie ^^ seniors had the option of taking an "ROP" class (i forget what it stands for) and one of them was.. dun dun dun, photography! i definitely wanted to take it. except... i needed a film camera, and an SLR (single lens reflex--has to do with how the camera functions when it takes pictures) one, to be exact. expensive. luckily, katie had taken the class during HER senior year.. and was nice enough to sell it to me. HAPPY! i shot lots and lots and lots of film--it became very expensive, my dad wasn't very happy with me. so, a cheaper alternative? DIGITAL!

my first digital camera (wasn't professional level as i found out later, it was PRO-SUMER.. in between professional and the regular consumer), was actually towards the end of my senior year (i believe, can't really remember!). i DO remember my friend paul talking about a "great" camera.. the d70s! and i was browsing around trying to find a good deal on cameras.. and i found a PACK on ebay that was going for about $800 i think. two lenses (bad ones, i found out) along with a tripod (also bad) and a few other accessories.. and you guessed it, ALL BAD. but i had no idea! i was SUPER happy. took LOTS of pictures.. but.... since i was just a newbie in photography, i was shooting in JPEG. and that's fine for regular use but once i moved to brooks.. ah, well. get to that later. i was shooting on a 1GB card, deleting files off the card in camera, etc.. all these NO-NO's in professional photography. BUT I WAS HAPPY! it was so AWESOME compared to my other digital camera (had sinced ditched it and had received a CANON POWERSHOT of some sort). 

which leads me to my next point..

HOW DID IT END UP BECOMING MY CAREER CHOICE?

two things: my friend KAT and FASTWEB. 

fastweb? this.. was actually a fairly.. random story. even at this point, with my spiffy new camera, i wasn't sure what i wanted to do.. but i knew i wanted to go to college and get a degree.. and to get into college and help out my dad, i needed SCHOLARSHIPS! and FASTWEB.COM has a section to fill out.. what you're interested in, etc, so it can help you search for colleges. so i input "photography" among a few other things, and it bothers you when you log in (like a splash page).. "DO YOU WANT SO-AND-SO TO CONTACT YOU?" and one day, it happened to show up as "DO YOU WANT BROOKS INSTITUTE OF PHOTOGRAPHY TO CONTACT YOU?" so i thought.. eh.. why not? and clicked "yes" and proceeded to check my scholarships. a little while later, they contacted me.. and.. i was accepted by september or october of my senior year. 

kat was mostly the one who was pushing me to become a photographer (love you!). she (like my mom) enjoyed my photography and knew i enjoyed it lots.. and she's an artist herself! PORTFOLIO LINK HERE! she goes to ART CENTER in PASADENA and we talked about me going there (since they also have a photography program) and rooming together, etc. and it was a debate between ART CENTER or BROOKS.. talked to a few people (including my ROP photography teacher).. and since i was accepted into BROOKS already (and at the time, i thought it was cheaper! i was wroooong..).. i decided with brooks. phuuuu~ would've loved to room with her though :) DEFINITELY my biggest reason/push to get into photography.

ABOUT MY (ASIAN) PARENTS AND MY CHOICE

i know, right? weird. it actually took WAY less effort (than i had thought--and i hadn't thought of it much) to convince my parents. between my parents.. my dad is VERY laid back. he was born in california and has been through LOTS, so he trusts me lots, etc. my mom is a first gen japanese, born in chiba.. but.. my dad has more influence than her (mostly). plus my mom tends to openly support me more than my dad (hides emotions like a typical japanese guy). blahblah. either way, my dad was bugging me, asking me how i would make money, etc. he actually suggested that i go into CAKE DECORATING 'cause i looooove baking too! hahhaaa, i thought it was funny. 

the only way i really knew they supported me was when we were having a "group chat" sort of thing w/ my student-manager-person (i forget the job title! the person who deals with you coming in, etc. not a counselor.. not really an advisor..).. and i forget the question, but he basically asked if they supported me going into this field. and they said YES! they said YES IN FRONT OF MY FACE! and it turns out they believe in me and think i'm headstrong and am willing to work hard, etc.. and.. man, that was a really touching moment. i don't think i would've ever found out had it not been for that phone conversation. 

WHERE DO I SEE MY CAREER GOING?

well, i assume i will graduate from this darn school, however busy and expensive it is. the only reason why i would stop is if i ran out of grants/loans *knock on wood*. after graduation.. to save money, i think i would move back home (near anaheim, ca).. or.. well, who knows where my boyfriend and i will end up being in 1.5 years?? 

if we end up getting married *knock on wood*, i would LOVE to open up a wedding photography business with him. he was in the business before he moved to california to go to school (mainly just to get a degree, he had an awesome business, WEBSITE HERE). how cute is that? a couple taking wedding pictures~ hahhaa. 

if we don't end up getting married.. i'll definitely move back home.. and probably end up assisting for a more established photographer and maybe take over their business.. or, well. who knows.

WHAT'S MY FAVORITE TYPE OF PHOTOGRAPHY?

i really, really, REALLY love landscape shots. i love nature. my FAVORITE series of photos by far are probably the ones i took in japan-----which, as i said i would get to.. were shot in SMALL SIZE JPEGS! i'm so mad! i can't use them for much else than SMALL, SMALL promo work! which is one of the more major reasons why i direly desire to go to japan again (despite the awful humidity). and my second favorite being my most recent anza borrego ones that you ladies seemed to also love :) much thanks! 

i enjoy taking pictures of people.. but.. not when i have to pose them. i mean, that's alright too.. and i will eventually have to get into it because with wedding photography comes engagement shots, bridal shots, etc. that's why MOST of my photos are "spur of the moment".. capturing excitement, capturing emotion. much better than "pose here, move that arm there, raise your chin, give me a smile and cheeeeese!" hahaha. i LOVE taking pictures of couples and seeing how they interact with each other :) definitely enjoyed the few couple sessions, 2 weddings and 1 bridal i've assisted (and shot couples myself) with. 

i also enjoy "studio" pictures.. those advertisements. though i DISLIKE CLOTHING PICTURES! unless they're on a model already.. still life styling takes too much time. on that note, i also enjoy food pictures (yum!), as apparent on my website. i suppose i'm interested in giving most photography a try :) boudoir included (winkwink).. but as a career, i'm thinking weddings.

WHAT EQUIPMENT DO YOU USE?

digital camera: (upgraded as a gift by MY BOYFRIEND!! for our one year anniversary/christmas/birthday) is a nikon D300!! i love it to bits. i never realized what bad quality i was shooting with until i came to brooks and tried different cameras. my boyfriend is a camera NUT.. has so much equipment.. and it's all good! hahaha. 

film camera: nikon n55

lenses: 70-200mm 2.8 ; 18-50mm 2.8 ; 50mm 1.8

extras: extension tubes in 20mm, 12mm, 36mm

and i won't go into lighting equipment.. mostly because no one will know what i'm talking about [x and plus i don't have a set of strobes, etc.. though i do use my boyfriends' lots. and brooks students are WELL versed in different lighting, cameras, software, etc. 

MY ADVICE?

HAVE FUN! that's one thing i have to remind myself about. since i'm in such a technical school, all these technical things are getting drilled into our heads and our assignments (during our first year.. which was more like 16 months) our assignments were purely technical. i forgot what it was like to take silly pictures, to take pictures that i thought were just FUN. i forgot how to look at my pictures as for how they were and not how they were technically. 

any other questions? :D 

for gdawg

gdawg, my buddy ole' pal :) one of my FOBulousfive (LOVE!) has requested that i stray away from so many makeup blogs and delve into more thoughtful ones. or at least include a little of both, instead of my mindless beauty posts (not like i post life changing reviews or anything!).

SO! here's a topic that we were actually just talking about--but we went into more specifics (where she gave me some awesome blog ideas about):

PUBLIC vs PRIVATE blogging

background info: 

this blog originally started off as a PRIVATE blog. to back it up, my girlies (fab5!) all split up to different colleges (besides 2 that headed off to UCI) and were having a hard time keeping up with each other--which was hard on all of us mostly because we were used to seeing each other EVERY DAY at the same time, same place.. we could hand off notes, we could pull each other off to the side and chat, we could chat during classes, etc. you get the point. then suddenly, whabam! santa barbara, riverside, san diego and irvine. plus all of us being extremely busy either making new friends, studying for classes, getting adjusted to college life... we had long gaps between conversations and it was just plain miserable not to be able to talk to your best friends everyday. SO we started a "newsletter".. we'd type up a page or so on a given topic and sent it to one friend once a month who would gather it all together on one word page and send it out to all of us to read. it was AMAZING! but then we realized we had lots more to talk about than just once a month.. so we turned to blogging. 

ah, the wonderful world of blogging. we could type whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted and never left each other out of our lives again because--face it, how could we? unless we forgot to update our blogs (COUGH!!) but the more fastidious (at blogging!) would blog fairly often. 

unfortunately for me.. (or maybe fortunately?) i felt like i was talking about the SAME THINGS all the time! same school, and i couldn't go into technical detail about my assignments because--face it--it would just seem like i was typing up a lecture if i went and explained it all, all the time. i had the same boyfriend (LOVE), so i had no boy problems. i had roomies, but i rarely talked to them.. plus i didn't like posting "drama" posts, "gossip" posts, whatever you call it. then i just started posting randomly.. very short ones, about nothing at all. i was BORED of blogging!

my turning point was when 

1. my friend (mitsu!) asked me how i was doing.. because i never updated my xanga ever.. because i was updating my private blog! and didn't feel like posting over to xanga. 

2. my other friend (katie!) told me she had a blogger! then she told me to make one so i could write about whatever i wanted to.. and.. 

then it got me to thinking. should i create a public blogger? sure, because then i would be blogging about something privately.. then copying it over to public.. it wouldn't be that hard. but.. no! i had to censor myself, because i can't talk about THIS to THAT person, and WHAT IF that person read this and then it would be bad! my LIBRA inner sense told me i needed BALANCE (ha ha, i love astrology reports!) so i decided against it. 

my other option was to take my private posts.. censor them.. THEN post. but that's just too much work, especially for a lazy ass like me :P 

my LAST option was just to make this public. but i had to ask my girlies because.. you know, i started blogging because of them, and FOR them. and i had to consider what i published in earlier posts---then totally disregarded that because no one cares to read long boring posts :) they just like looking at pretty pictures (which may be why i've been getting lots more comments from the lovely beauty bloggers.. since i've been posting basically nothing else except my MU--makeup! haha, gdawg). 

cutting out their personal feelings/comments for privacy :) i went public! hurrah~ now a LARGE group of friends (beyond fab5) could see what i was up to, etc. it was pretty good, just like old xanga days--without the drama! with college came freedom.. freedom to not have to see those annoying bitches and bastards that you just smiled at just to not hear another rumor about you float around the school in .000005 seconds. 

PUBLIC/PRIVATE: PROS (+) & CONS (-)

- watching what i posted. i couldn't post about SUPER private things, you know because.. the world would see. and some things you just don't want the world to see. 

+ getting to know all of the lovely beautybloggers :) it was nice being able to comment on other people's blogs that i was following (via google reader).. and having them come to my blog and post a comment or two about what they thought (even though it's more on my beauty blogs than my thought-invoking ones).

+ i'm actually sort of advertising my photography here! this totally was NOT on purpose, by the way. it was just a random post that i did, because i was bored.. and it's the one post that's gotten me the most comments! the internet is a WIDE audience.. and had i not gone public and done all of the things in bullet2, they wouldn't have seen my photography. 

- you're just more text in the mass of bloggers. you could post about things you want people to care about and they just don't.. because your voice doesn't reach that far! the reason why i cut back on my "meaningful" posts was 1. because i couldn't think of what to post about 2. because posting pictures of FOTD's (face of the day)/etc gave me more visitors/comments/etc. 

+/- in that idea.. you could post about anything.. and people just don't read it if they don't want to. it's not going to cause e-drama! but if you KEEP posting about things that people don't care about or isn't an "easy read".. then they could forget you.. then there would be little to no purpose to having a public blog, because the public would not be reading it. 

+/- if you're a person who needs another's acknowledgement.. this transition could be hard. back to my point about people not caring and being text amidst thousands of blogs.. then you're more likely to post mindless blogs (i'm not saying ALL beauty blogs are mindless--reviews are very interesting! but short ones like mine that are ONLY FOTD+supply list).. the "QUICK READ", the "ATTENTION GRABBER".. and you're LESS likely to post about what you WANT to post (if you wanted to post thought-invoking blogs). it's all about READABILITY. you want to be MEANINGFUL, yet get all of your words in there without being a mouthful. 

- CENSORING. see, i did it in that last paragraph. you want to blog controversially so it's more thought provoking.. yet you don't want to offend anyone. it's a very thin line to balance on. that's why it's much more easy to blog about beauty (it's very neutral!) and just be very, very nice (because everyone else i've encountered here has been really nice). 

+ it helps your writing! (thanks gdawg for this one--i wouldn't have thought of it on my own!). it's good to be able to get your opinion in without bashing people over the head about it. it helps you write objectively.. it's a daily practice of objective, persuasive writing. 

CONCLUSION

so, is this where you ask me, "which one is better?". well, i won't give you the answer for that. it's both a great experience and a total downer. i remember wanting to start off as a beauty blogger.. and getting no responses from people! then i realized--respond to what other people write, then they feel (somewhat) obliged to at least see what you have to say. they may or may not respond, but with enough attention to their work, they will give some back to you. 

there are definitely bloggers i admire. i mean, how can you get 50+ comments a day (or even 15-20!! or anything above my usual 2-3, really).. regardless of what you post? how cool is that? you must be an awesome person and know how to post awesomely and interestingly. and me, the introverted, usually quiet person.. is ALWAYS searching for tips and clues on how to be MORE interesting, MORE extroverted, MORE of a people person. and these people you (well, i) admire respond to you (me) and you (i) feel awesome! 

EXAMPLES

"YES! so-and-so really likes this! *saves comment notification e-mail*" 

"YAYYY! *goes and spams their blogs in hopes of more attention*"

then.. there are bloggers you admire but who never seem to respond to you! ah, well. i can still admire from a distance :) 

*to clarify.. what i mean by admire is that i look forward to their blogs everyday! or.. whenever they choose to post. i sign onto google reader and think: "YES! so-and-so posted!" so i save their post for last, just so i can savor it in my mind. and YES, i do realize that sounds terrifically weird but.. too bad! 

and i suppose i can publicly blog because.. my blogs will not cause drama! (at least that i can reasonably foresee). my life is fairly private. i have the same boyfriend, live with a close friend, my school is fairly private in the fact that people keep to themselves. the people that read this either don't care about me (much), at least not enough to start drama.. or just understand me completely and don't feel the need to start drama because.. there's no reason for it. 

had i been part of a huge organization (for example.. VSA or EMRAP or a sorority), my blog would most certainly have stayed private.. because.. when you're in a larger group of people, there tends to be more people who snoop. i mean, it's just.. logical statistics. 

i guess the MAIN reason in my head that i keep blogging is that.. I HOPE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE! whether it's for a second, whether i made them think about something, whether i made them look twice, etc. i want my life to have meaning--and for that to happen, i want to make a difference. maybe the difference is totally minute--they forget about it as soon as they close my page. maybe it's bigger! like with fuz [x asking me to be her wedding photographer. it's a HUGE compliment! regardless if she remembers my name by the time her wedding rolls around.. i still stuck in their head. for a second. split second. nanosecond. 

though of course i hope to make a larger impression :) but i'm taking small steps!

plus i just have way too many thoughts running around in my head.. if they all stayed in my head, i'm sure my head would explode! :) 

what do you guys think? 

i guess the better question would be: did any of you read this through? :P