002. Eternal Sunshine

i can't see anything that i don't like about you.

but you will! but you will. you know, you will think of things. and i'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

okay.

....okay?! ............okay.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

this was actually a pretty good movie, i finally got around to watching it. made me think, was sort of relating it to myself and bryant. how if i had gone to get my memory erased that morning after we had broken up, would he have been devastated enough to get it done? but after all of that, even with the new lives, they met together somehow, like it was fate. they felt feelings again, the same feelings, even with no memories, even with a chance at a fresh start. and even when they learned about their problems, they were about to separate.. then they made up. figured it was better to be together than to be apart, even if they didn't know why or how, it just was right. it was okay.

bryant and i are doing okay. i like sleeping on the bed just because i like stretching out, i'm used to my bed at home. he likes the couch, it's softer, he likes.. well.. curling up. it is comfortable, not so much for two who both twitch and whatnot. i can sleep but i don't feel that well rested when i wake up, i usually wake up sore all over. and he wakes up not well rested on the bed. that's why we sleep apart. well, plus he has some weird red itchy rash-looking but more bumpy sort of thing on his neck, it happened when he slept on the bed again, he says. so he sleeps on the couch even when we're okay now..

it's nice to be okay. i think i thought he was pretending that things were how they used to be and how i felt so detached.. i mean.. i understand it. when i had that whole michael-liu thing over winter break, ironically around the six months. when i pretended that things were okay. and he got mad at me and asked why i thought that, why i was acting the way that i did. when you're the one that hurts the other one and you want to make things okay, you go back to how they were because maybe the other person would forget, maybe it would actually make things okay. when you're hurting, you're hurt. there's no way around it. i imagined wildly that i would tell bryant that when things were okay, if they ever got to completely okay, that it better be one hell of a six months celebration. i imagined that i would just hole up in my room and never come out and don't talk to other people.

but things don't always turn out the worst. never turns out as bad as my imagination. the things that i don't plan out to be the worst are the worst, like the heartbreak. the heart ache. the pain that you feel inside of your chest that feels like your heart is ripping apart and draining somewhere and then you feel this emptiness and it's so hollow, it's a vacuum sucking your entirety into some other pit that you didn't know existed. and how you'll cry until you feel like you can't cry anymore, then you cry more. and you feel like you've cried out every drop of water in your entire body, that you're all cried out. but you're not. and you cry more. and you reach this numb sort of feeling and you live like you're floating around and not connected to anywhere. and you feel like everyone will notice and stay away from you. but no one does. because the world doesn't stop when you want to stop, doesn't come back to you when you turned your back to it. you just have to keep on going. and it all works out somehow, no matter how bad you feel, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much you just might want to kill yourself, cause yourself some physical pain to relieve the emotional pain. it all works out in some weird, twisted way. some way that might take an absurdly long time. maybe it worked out and you don't even realize it until it just hits you one day.

and then do you feel stupid? do you feel like your pain was stupid? do you look back and laugh? i don't. i feel stupid sometimes but then you feel your pain again. no where near as much but you still feel it. maybe you'll even cry. but it's better. it doesn't go away, it doesn't turn into a joke. it's just different.

and do you love the same every time? it's hard. you learn things, you learn how to feel. you act differently. maybe things are different.. is it true that your first love will always give you feelings? so will your other loves. if you love someone, you give them your heart. gave them your trust. you. you gave them you. how do you forget anyone that you've loved? it will always be there. i bet they'll be able to stir some sort of feeling in you. how far you let it go, how far you let it effect you, is different. i think james asked me once if i loved scott more than i loved him.. and i said it was different. and he got mad at me. why? i never understood it.

i know that everyone has their own version of love, what it is, how it works, how it comes about, how it feels, how it works. and i get mad when people use "love" so easily. how can they say that. maybe they'll learn later. i don't know. so hypocritical, how i know that love is different yet i get mad.. maybe because.. it's so.. superficially used. it's deeper than that. to me. is that still hypocritical?

watching "into the wild"

full of good quotes: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0758758/quotes

um.. other than that. got caught up on the phone with beth, that was nice. want to shoot ramon for a assignment, he says he has a bball tourney on sat. so we'll see about that. he told me to come down 'cause stace and ryan are going down but we'll see, haha.

tired. going to go cuddle with my baby.. one of the best places in the world: in his arms.