001. Blurry

hey gals :)

i know i sent stacy a newsletter entry but i forgot what i wrote. something about stories that happened during the birthday weekend madness.. that all of you know already. so i'll spare the time and space and just let it be remembered :) though i have to say.. stacy's confusion about the soap dispenser being the cold water handle.. was pretty funny. that goes along with her being kidnapped and THE PICTURE OF HER WITH THE WHITE JACKET OVER HER HEAD being utterly hilarious.. but you know. not to dwell on past [hilarious] moments or anything [;




on a more serious note.. i haven't been writing about it but some things are up :\ i guess with the newsletter, i just try to keep it more upbeat or something, plus i guess it wasn't on my mind THAT much with the last newsletter, plus i tried to keep the recent one about us because that was what happened, and it was keeping me happy so i didn't think about it. but.. honestly.. bryant and i have been pretty shaky (on and off) for the past.. i don't know. it's been a couple weeks, maybe about up to one month.. seems like freaking FOREVER. well, not forever. it does and it doesn't, 'cause i remember the good times and we do have recent good times and it makes it all worthwhile to me.. but at the same time.. i mean.. yea. okay. i'll just write about it.

just lately i hadn't been feeling appreciated or loved. like.. i'd kiss him when he was doing something on the computer and he'd just get annoyed with me, sort of nudge me out of the way. and.. yea. i can't really remember some other stuff but.. unhappy scenario, yes? oh plus in the car he hadn't been holding my hand (he usually drives with his left hand to be able to hold mine with his right hand).




then last tuesday.. i got a text from my brother. i hadn't looked at my phone that whole day just because i was running around but i went to my apartment to go shower (if you hadn't known, i basically live at bryant's apartment--except when i go to my apartment to shower) and i called bryant because i was going to go get some food (he apparently had pizza not too much earlier) and i wanted to make sure he didn't want anything.. and stuff. and.. so.. yes. back to the text. "hey uncle stanley died. dad n paul found him mon at home. he died like 6 to 8 weeks ago. there won't be a funeral."

and the thing is.. with my uncle.. he basically disappeared from my family's life a while back. i hadn't even met the man until sometime last year, maybe two years ago.. when we found out he had cancer (colon). and.. i never really got to talk to him or know him, and when he did talk, he was talking abut his work or his treatment. but just something in his eyes, there was this sparkle (or maybe i just imagined it) but i thought if i could get him to talk about something else, that he would be really interesting to talk to, have some interesting sort of feedback. but.. i guess.. that never really happened since i never saw him that much, even after i did meet him finally.

but still. he's my uncle you know? my blood, my family. and i bet you i could go to a random ass person's funeral, one that i don't even know.. and still cry. i hate funerals and deaths. just something about it, even if i don't know the person, just tears me up.

i told bryant and he said he was sorry. gave me a hug, was nice to me.. but it was still a little off.




i guess the real trouble happened a couple nights ago. let's see. i guess it was about last thursday or friday night.. just laying there in bed.. and i was just so unhappy that i just started tearing up. maybe it was even wednesday. i guess the news didn't hit me until then. i cried a little tuesday but it wasn't anything big. wednesday or thursday night was because of my uncle and family stuff.. and he held me when i cried. progressed to me telling him that i was unhappy, and.. his response. god damn. he just said "i don't know" when i asked him questions, was just cold. when i sat up, he didn't even try to hold my hand. he said he did but placing his hand on mine without HOLDING it doesn't count for HOLDING my hand. and i got up and i was so upset that he wasn't comforting me that i just went to go sit by the door and i told him that he wasn't even trying to comfort me (he wasn't). and he said that why should he if he tried to, then i started complaining about it, that there was something wrong with that. got more upset. cried a little more, got over it, went over to him and said i was sorry. i just hate fighting :\ so i just.. got over it and.. just went to sleep after that.

the REAL problem was.. saturday night. well, i guess it was sunday morning (early morning). and i was crying and he was some of comforting me.. and.. then he said.. "i think we need to reconsider where we are in this relationship." and that really got me crying. and i asked him what he meant and.. you know.. of course. it was a potential break-up point and that just completely broke me down. i couldn't help it. i was basically bawling. and he kept hugging me and holding me and whenever i tried to get up he would pull me down and hold me again. and i cried for hours, i swear. that night we didn't sleep until like.. 5:30 or 6:00 am. he said it was something in him, it had nothing to do with me. there was no other girl. just he felt like something wasn't right, something had changed.. that we needed to spend some time apart to figure it out. that it had been wrong for a couple of weeks.. maybe a month.

quite needless to say, sunday sucked. he went to go shoot out in ojai (motorcycles like to ride down there, it's curvy mountain trails basically) and when he left, i cried. cried when he was gone. for his birthday i had written him a notebook of how i felt, the reasons why i loved him, etc. so i took that out and was reading it and cried again (man, i'm such a baby hahah). got over it, then started crying again. just laid there. he came back with some coffeebean for me and said that he didn't want to break up, that it was too soon to just do that. that i had been too good for him. that we just needed some time apart to figure it out. that day we cuddled a lot. when he was playing his video games and after that we just laid down and took a nap, it was nice.




that night, went to dinner to meet thie make-up artist that was coming to town, she wanted a new portfolio or sorts so her boyfriend wanted to meet bryant to make sure he wasn't a serial killer or anything. it was pretty fun, at some place on state street called "something's fishy". a hibachi grill. it was decent. time was fun. the whole time he didn't hold my hand even though i tried to hold his. he kept spacing off whenever the other couple were talking to each other and i asked him what was wrong and he said that he was just thinking. after we left, he went crazy. his hyper-crazy sort of thing that he does, gave me his jacket to wear 'cause it was freezing outside (i thought it was getting warmer?! freaking weather) and held my hand and it was fun. he kissed me too, that was nice. and we got in the car and he said "well i can't believe that i tried to break up with you" and i said "what?" and he smiled.




i guess the most confusing thing is because.. he acts like we're okay during the day.. but when it comes to night time, THEN he wants to be alone and have his own time, time to figure it out. figure what out? if he acts like we're okay, then we should be okay right (i asked him this and he said that we were mostly okay)? so he's all happy.. i ask him if i should go home to sleep. and he says yes. then another time he might say "you don't have to". and another time i'll say that i have to go home and he'll say "right now?? you don't have to go home NOW.." and all this other stuff. and tonight i'm actually staying at home, last night i was supposed to but we were going to wake up at 6:30am to go shoot this assignment but we all overslept (bryant alex and me) so that didn't happen--but he slept on the couch and i slept on the bed. i was so tired that i didn't even care--i fell asleep before even saying goodnight to him.

but still.. :\







okay. well.. just got off the phone with him. he says no time apart.. he wants me to come back. and no more of this "you should go home to your apartment" type stuff.

this is by no means a reason to go flame him or kick his butt, though i do appreciate the offers (if any). i just had to get it out of my system, y'know? :)




gotta go shower. then back to my baby's arms <3
i'm so cheesy i know. :P




LOVE YOU GIRLS!! x0xo