050. colors

i really like MAC (vs SEPHORA) 'cause they have personal help. it's not just wandering around through all of the stuff, trying to figure out what you wanted.. especially with people like me who have no idea what looks good and with a boyfriend who doesn't really know either :P or care all that much. plus it doesn't help that he doesn't like sephora either ('cause they aren't personalized at all). so that's how i found my lipgloss and two lipsticks (everyday and red dressy). and that eyeshadow highlight that i posted about awhile ago. 

no, i am not wearing any make-up (as usual) in the above picture. just chillin' on the couch, typing away at my blog.. like i do basically everyday.. i'm such a blog-head, and i don't know if that's a good or bad idea. i post about ANYTHING. jeebus :P

i think this is the other number that i was missing in my series.. or something. i considered (being sarah) redoing the numbering but that's just a pain in the ass, plus if you guys get sent a new email for every time i edit (i doubt it).. that would just be a pain in the ass :P especially 'cause it was at the beginning when i did the double posts and one in the middle somewhere for the no number. weird. why did i do that? probably 'cause i didn't think that it would bother me this much later (but of course it would). oh well. i'll get over it. :) 

today.. man. i don't know if it was just cramping or my stomach just really, really hurt but for half the day today.. it was just.. bad. i'm thinking maybe a combo of the two 'cause i really have never had cramps that bad. awwwwful. but being on my period is making me super tired, i have to say :( been napping alot and i'm STILL tired! how lame.. not that there's much for me to do that i'd have to be up and productive for.. that's what i love about summer :) though i think i may be oversleeping. or maybe i'm just being owned by my period. either one's quite possible. 

you know what drags me down? when i can feel that a really good friendship is sort of.. being.. not so good. when it's just you two and you can feel how awkward it is.. and you don't really know what to talk about. when you get down to it and talk about anything, then it's fine but when it's just normal everyday.. i don't know. i miss the connections. i really do like one-on-one intense conversations but they don't seem to come all the time, and they definitely don't come ENOUGH. i had a pretty interesting one with stace the other day and it was just AWESOME. bu as for regular day stuff.. i don't know. it's sort of hard. 

i also think.. ironically.. even though we're all pretty good friends, if not best friends.. we don't open up to each other all that much. just because we're a group doesn't mean that we're all flawless and don't have friction with each other, but we never really bring it up. and not only that, but with friction within our lives. yea, sure, we have our occasional problems but we never really bring up anything besides what's lying on the surface. especially since we're the freaking FAB FIVEEE i think.. i think we should get to know each other better, right? and, granted, i know that it won't happen, that it's just weird to open up about some things.. it's just.. i think it's important. and even if it's the same issue over and over again.. i'm definitely not being bored. i would much rather hear about what's going on. what you're going through. and sure, if it's a problem with me, i might not want to read about it as much but i'd rather know what i'm doing that's bothering you so i can.. you know.. just know about it. see if i can fix it, or at least do it less. especially if it bothers you a bunch? you know where i'm getting at? 

and this is a really delicate topic too, i think. i'm even choosing my words right now, and i rarely ever choose my words. i'm about as undelicate as they come and i know i should definitely watch what i say.. but i really do want to bring it up. somehow. maybe i'll touch on all of the points, maybe not. we'll see..

as for us "fab five".. i think it's ridiculously hard for us to all keep in contact. and honestly.. as much as we call ourselves the fab five, we're not really all five tightly together. and i know that i could try a little harder and push things but at the same time, i don't think that it would honestly change all that much. just something in my stomach, you know? i'm not talking treason or trash or anything, just what i'm feeling. i. me. and even if i know the reasons behind it.. i'm just going to go out there and say what i feel. if i get into reasons or something.. then it'll be a little weird, you know? then this blog will get way too long. so if you want my reasons, just let me know. and i am DEFINITELY not trying to pick on ANY one of you girls. it's just things that i've been bothered by. and hey, it's obviously not THAT big, you know? we're all still chill :) so don't take this too harshly. i'm just going to ramble on like i always do. 

first off.. one of my big things is that.. i feel we're really not a fab FIVE. granted, i know we're all busy, but it feels like some of us put more of an effort into trying to get together more than others. and sure, some of us are more free than others (especially me and my coolio parents). but.. i don't know. if we really wanted to get together.. it seems like.. we would try harder. and i don't think it's asking too much, you know? i come from santa barbara just to hang out sometimes. BOTH weekends for the stace's bday celebrations. even when i know things are busy, i rarely bail just because i think it's important, so i make time. i just ask to be let known as early as possible, and if i say i can go, i'm there. cuzz made it yesterday even though her cheeks weren't feeling too hot. beth made it, even though she had to leave early. and stace was there too (duhh, we were at her house). and not to be mean but i do think jade could've tried a little harder. we were willing to go pick her up and take her home but it just sounded like she didn't want to come. yes, she did say she wanted to and asked when we were going to but still. that day is what is on my mind. yes, she did make it to the two birthday dinner/party things but she left in the middle.. and met up with us at denny's later, yes i know. but honestly most of the time she was talking to cuzz and yes i'm jealous! i do want jade time too. and yes i know i should try to make some time but honestly.. i really am skeptical about how much of a difference it would make. and i'm NOT trying to pick on her so there's no need to defend her. she's sweet and cute and JADE and all of that, i still heart her. but, definitely, out of the five, it feels like she's in her own world. and maybe i can say that because i'm not nearly as close to her as, say, beth and cuzz are.. but.. still. it bothers me inside. 

second off.. i don't think we all are as close as we should be. not should be. as i'd like us to be. i know you guys but i don't really KNOW much about you. your past, your stories. what's going on under the surface. yea, problems at home are sort of hard to bring up but i'd like to hear about it. it makes you, YOU, you know? i think if we all blogged a little bit about our childhoods and gradually work on.. detailed stuff, you know? not just.. yea i went to this school, these were my friends, i was a nerd, etc. 

as for one of the parts of that.. the problems at home. okay. i'll be the first to start it off, and hopefully you guys follow suit. and if not.. oh well. at least i got it out, right? you guys will know that much more about me :) whether you wanted to or not. 

let's see. 

my parents' names are wallace isamu sakamoto and etsuko joy iwakiri. my mom gave herself that name (joy) when she married my dad and moved over here. my dad was born in manzanar (whoo, go concentration camps) and my mom was born in chiba, japan. my dad has two brothers (one just recently passed away) and my mom has two sisters and two brothers (one brother has passed away). a go-between (her name is emiko) was going to set up my dad with my mom's middle sister (akiko) but.. yea. hahha. things didn't work out so akiko showed the picture to my mom and she met him. my mom was really jetlagged or something when she came over the first time but my dad came in with LOTS and LOTS of roses (two arms full) and that's basically how it started. my mom worked at a book store back in japan and my dad had a job.. i think he was still a car mechanic back then. either way.. i forgot how many days a week but my mom would have to take the first train back home so she could get my dad's call at 10pm (it was 6am over here). and they couldn't communicate much at first but my dad told me that "it just felt right" (aww, teary eyes). they got married in 1980, then had my brother 1982. my mom had two miscarriages (two boys) between noah and me (1989). she had me when she was 40 years old--i had a higher risk of having down's syndrome (haha, that explains alot.. :P) but i ended up okay--i think. i have some weird missing or half chromosome (#17?) or something.. but it's just something that all of the women on my mom's side of the family has. 

when my brother was young, they would push him A LOT. they would make him go into swim tournaments and tennis tournaments even if he didn't want to. he didn't have any free time basically because he was always out doing something. he told me he would lose sometimes on purpose so he would have some free time. i guess they learned with me because i had lots of free time :P and when i quit something, i quit. not always a good thing but at least i wasn't pushed to do what i didn't want to do. maybe that's why i'm so stubborn. anyway.. yea. my brother really wanted a little baby sister, so that's why he's so good to me all the time. i remember being really obnoxious though.. one time i wanted him to play recorder for me so i pushed it into his mouth and it ended up pushing up on his front tooth gum and he got really mad at me. and i used to hang around with him and his friends aaaaall the time. i was quite the tom boy. i remember having one favorite pair of shorts that i wore.. every day. and one kid in my class even asked me if it was the same pair of shorts.. i forgot what i said. but it was weird. i used to play handball all the time.. and i was quite abusive when i was younger. remember platform sneakers? yup. right in the shin if some guy was annoying me. and i'd get mad pretty often too, so if some guy bothered me.. SHIN KICK. i remember people bothering me on purpose just to get me to chase them and get pwned. ah.. 

i remember when i was younger, my parents would sit in the living room and listen to records and drink. i think it was a nightly thing. not too sure.. then, as i found out from my dad, the reason why they stopped was because my mom started getting into crafts (she likes giving away tree ornaments around christmas time) and eventually, got onto the computer so she stopped coming downstairs and my dad didn't want to listen to it by himself.. so he started watching T.V. and drinking a lot. he definitely has a drinking problem.. plus he gets all happy when he's drunk so he doesn't know where to stop his joking, which gets on the rest of the family's nerves because his jokes aren't always funny (contrary to popular belief). and he gets angry for no reason sometimes.. and takes it out on whoever. not physically.. he's only threatened to hit me twice, and they were both for.. fairly good reasons, i was being a brat.. but.. yea. just complains and is just a general downer. my mom? well.. her english is pretty good, but it isn't that good. and she says lots of hurtful things sometimes because she doesn't know how else to phrase it or she says it because she doesn't think "oh that's a bad thing to say" or because she doesn't quite know what it means. and that gets sort of bad too.. but.. not TOO bad. back when i used to not get along with my parents so well, my brother mediated alot because he's really understanding and pretty calm, but lately it seems like he's been getting more and more fed up with both parents so i feel like i'm more of a mediator. he says lots of things like "he's just drunk" when he gets pissed at my dad.. oh they had an argument awhile back. my dad likes to talk about things that he doesn't really know about, and repeats a bunch of the same things even though they're not true, and he can't reason very well. his reasons are just repeating what he said earlier, or pulls some other random thing out that doesn't even relate. and when my mom says something weird, we give her a "wtf" look and tell her not to say that, or a different way to say it.

oh well. s'all good. that's about as bad as it gets. 

i remember one time my parents were fighting alot.. especially when i was younger. it sounded like they were yelling but when i asked either, they said they weren't. and i had just learned about divorce so at dinner one time, i asked if they were going to get divorced.. and the whole family got mad at me, hahaha. 

i remember lots of random things. my cousin's old house (akiko's 3 kids--3 girls) that i went over a few times.. i remember the inside of it. i don't even know why. i remember the backyard, too. we were in the pool and there were lots of ants on the side.. and manna had to get out and water the plants so she set it on a stand and was in the pool with me and akiko came out and was wondering what was going on.. 

alright. going to post again later. read that. have fun :) love you girls! x0xo