All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.. me
ugh. ranting. okay, so i failed my artist/craftsperson. just didn't get it done. didn't do it. couldn't find someone. and instead of trying harder i just gave up and was calculating my grade and figuring out if i could pass if i didn't do this assignment. and guess what, i could! i could get an 83% or something (not even including the final). sure. whoo. but it's harder to find a musician.. maybe i just need to try harder. and i need to get shots done for my term project. i want to go home but the more i think about it, the less i feel like i can get done. i think in my head, "why go home when i can get it done here?" or "what makes it so much different at home than here?". who would i use to model? i have shots in my head, but do i really? it's almost tuesday and all i have are ideas in my head. it saves me lots of time and stress now that i have a printer at home but at the same time, it's worthless time because i'm not being productive with it.
projects: fail.
i've been looking for apartments, the one that i applied for last night didn't go through apparently. i dropped off the applications at night, maybe 9pm, called him to tell him that they were there, no answer. called him the next morning around 11am, no answer. called him again later, 3pm, no answer. so i guess no dice and he just doesn't want to tell me that he gave it away or something. sort of rude, but whatever. the one before that, she temporarily leased it out to other people.. first only for the month, then suddenly through august. WHY. and the one before that was sort of expensive, when we thought alex was moving with us too.. and he didn't want to give us a contract for some reason, just wanted money. so for the three times that we thought we were going to get the place or maybe had a chance, this latest one (chronologically, not as how i listed them) being the least likely.
apartments: fail.
today we had lab, i only had about 3 hours of sleep. woke up around 8:30am, lab at 9:30.. got our early because our teacher wasn't even there. i was so thinking of not even going that day, and.. i went.. and.. oh well. better to go than to not go, especially with our attendance policy. it was just a "work on your stuff and if you need help or want me to look at something.. then i'm here" sort of day. wrote down a bunch of numbers for cake decorators but i came home and all i wanted to do was sleep. of course i didn't. i started calculating my grade, i don't know why. started looking at apartments, furniture. went out and bought a desk from a ucsb grad, PhD in comp science. crazy. came back, picked up brad, went to go see two places. bad and bad. went to burger king to refuel. came back to the apartment, searched like mad.. came up with a list of 7 apartments to go to. in the car and off we went. liked two of the seven, decided to only go to 5 based on location and the fact that we preferred 1.5 bath over 1 bath.. even though we really want 2 bath but it's so hard to get a 2 bath apparently. got one application.. and got back to the apartment, found the number for the other apartment we liked, called her, she said she'd leave apps on the door, brad went to go get them. i relaxed a little, filled out an application and even the general info on the other two's applications. brad came back, i napped til now, maybe about 11:00pm. woke up 'cause i was sweating. had the boys fill out their applications (hope they're done by now).. bryant's asleep, brad's in his room. i'm sitting here, ranting.
apartment hunting: semi-fail. 2/5.
i feel like a real estate agent. blake even called me one. bryant definitely doesn't search, brad occasionally searches but it's mostly me. me checking everyday, more than once a day. i think it's getting in my head to be more important to self preserve than to create. more important to find an apartment than to do projects. how is that wired into my head? i don't know, i don't know. i just want to find a place to live, i don't know why it's so hard to find a place, why are they all so expensive? why is apartment searching so time consuming. why. why is it so hard to find a craftsperson, why is it so hard to find a musician? why is it so hard to get motivated. even if i go home i don't think i'll feel like shooting. unless i can drag bryant with me home to help me stay focused. then who would i use for a model? seniors are.. doing their senior stuff. who would i use? i don't know i don't know i don't know. i need to think but i don't want to think. i can't give up but i feel so close to it. what if i don't finish. what if i don't find a musician. what if i don't finish my term project. what if.
self: fail.
need to go to my apartment, park illegally (i'm assuming there's no parking that's close-by to my apartment by this hour), go shower. clear my head. then go plan. and tomorrow is looking at furniture in the morning.. well. waking up in the morning to see if this woman responded to me. if so, then go see her table + chairs at 11am.. then go see a mattress at 11:30am.. go to class 12:45-3:30.. then go see another apartment, and/or see the woman's table + chairs. then time to get into gear about shooting my term project, and/or finding a musician, start asking people if they know a friend of a friend. e-mail ucsb's "naked voices" acapella group (thanks shaan).
model: kat (term project). lovelove<3
just feel like i'm failing one too many times. i'm getting so stressed about the littlest things.. not getting an apartment, i run through my head the different things i could've done to make it better, give us more of a chance. not doing this, not doing that. i think it in my head but it doesn't get DONE. i'm not time-managing very well, i'm just breaking down. i need a break but i can't, i'm afraid that if i take a break i won't want to stop, that taking a break is less productive than actually getting something done but i don't get stuff done. and i know that it's good to take a breather but i don't know how. once i get wound up it's like i can't find a release. i remember a conversation with jin i had during 8th grade, i was so stressed. he kept telling me just to relax and i kept saying that i couldn't.. i remember it in my head so well. maybe if i had less memories and more room for knowledge, useful things, time-managing things, motivational things..
time to go shower. i've been posting about going to shower for about an hour and a half and it hasn't gotten done. can't wait to just move in with bryant so i can just go into the next room and shower instead of having to drive home.. so so tired. tired.
hope you girls are doing better, good luck with finals! x0xo
2 comments:
i love the song, i used to listen to it a lot way back when.
cheer up sweetheart, things are going to get better. and no, you dont fail at life or anything. just some setbacks thats all. what do u always tell me huh? HEAD UP.
if you ever want to talk or anything, you know my digits :)
Hey girl,
Dont ever say you fail at life. You're just hitting a bumpy road and things just seem to be hitting you from all over. I know that feeling, I just had it actually. Just stay postitive and strong - I know its hard but you have to believe things will work out and fall into place otherwise you will spin out of control. Dont lose that faith and NEVER lose faith in yourself. You can do this and do everything that needs to be done. I know b/c I have faith in you, but you have to believe it too.
As for the apartment searching; no one said it would be easy. Plus, you are a college student - people are a little hesitant to rent out to us because of that fact. [They fear no payment, trashing the place, parties, etc.] SO for us its extra hard. But again, something will eventually fall into your lap - just be patient.
As for the stress/winding down - well, I am still trying to find the best way to destress myself. I would say swimming/working out works best but it isnt always practical for obvious reasons. Music helps me too. I also like writing and trying to sing my own songs. A shower helps - just run cold water on you as you just stand there. But, like I told Stacy, a quick fix is to look up [tilt your head], close your eyes, take a deep breath, and smile [even if you dont fee like it]. SMILE. This works best if you are outside [I tried this at a park]. And deep breaths with your eyes closed always help too. OOH, try Tazo mint tea. thats good. <-- food and drinks are good ways too. well that might just be me. =]
Time management - I plan my week, day, hour, whatever, ahead of time on a peice of paper in the form of a checklist. That way I think "OK, I have to get this done today and I can check it off when I'm done." It makes you feel accomplished and happy and it really helps manage time. ANd it also helps to plan in breaks/fun time inbtwn. That way you can see something to look forward to. EX. for finals week I have a checklist of what I have to study. When I'm done, I have down "PARTY" in bright colors and everything. haha but i will probably sleep butyou get the point.
And dont EVER forget that I love you. We all do and we are here to help in any way we can. Sometimes, it helps to just let it out and if you have to vent, we are hear to take it and throw it away for you =] I LOVE YOU CUZZO!!!!!!! keep your head up with your beautiful smile. Things will be alright. IF not I will beat up those things until they are good =D LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post a Comment